My “Five Greatest Uncredited Managerial Triumphs of Reuben Kincaid”
1) Waiving his 20 percent commission on the botched Ramada Premier Savoy Lounge booking. Yeah, the one off exit 5 by the drive in.
2) Midi interface with Laurie Partridge’s braces
3) Partridge Family LP point of purchase distribution at all Three Chefs in the Tri-State area
4) Posting Danny Partridge’s bail with show merch profits
5) Duct-taping all the jinglers on lil Tracy’s tambourine
My “Five Managerial Blunders by Reuben Kincaid”
1) Declining Woodstock invitation to instead open for Shields & Yarnell in Schenectady
2) Shirley Partridge vs Carol Brady mud wrestling exhibition in concept music video
3) Killing the first Chris Partridge and replacing him with a polar opposite
4) Passing up the demo tapes of U2, REM, Sheryl Crow & the embryos of Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber
5) Not so prudent getaway with Keith to the Channel Islands to, you know, discuss the band’s direction?
My “5 Inevitable Reactions To Today’s Springtime Snowfall In Virginia”
1) Wonderment mixed with cussing
2) Global Warming nay-sayers boasting “See?”
3) Global Warming alarmists boasting “See?”
4) Northerner blowhard transplants boasting “Ya see, youze Virginian types don’t know howz to deal wit duh snow”
5) Shortly followed by Northerner blowhard transplants slipping and falling on their fat arses.
My “Five Alternate Working Titles for Spielberg’s LINCOLN Movie”
1) E.P.: The Extra-Presidential
2) The Flying Nut: Mary Todd’s Story, starring Sally Field
3) Planet of the Abe
4) Gone With The Frankenstorm®©™
5) My Left Temple! (whuh?…too soon?)
My “Top Five Prizes I Will Give My 2,000th Facebook Friend”
1) a high five
2) Pat McGee’s cell phone number
3) a poke & a promise to “Like” some post of yours within 18 months
4) endless moments of merriment, mirth & MICHAEL
5) strep
My “Five Things The Mayans DID Accurately Predict But Don’t Get Enough Credit”
1) The End of Dick Clark and his inferior $25,000 Pyramid
2) the Herschel Walker trade
3) the entire second season of Dawson’s Creek (except that Joey was NOT sacrificed)
4) Pasty, fat northerners will pay top dollar to see ruins (so don’t clean up
anything, guys – insert Mayan emoticon sideways wink here)
5) Future civilizations will blow up their social media, misinterpreting Mayan Apocalypse. It really just means Winter Solstice. Duh.
My “Five Rejected Product Placements for Skyfall”
1) Red Bull shaken not stirred
2) Ryan Seacrest plugging Coke after every gunshot
3) The new Toyota Prius with Eco-friendly tear gas
4) Ben & Jerry’s new Almonds Are Forever flavor
5) Apple’s new iShoephone
My “Five Things Worse Than The Stink Bug”
1) Two stink bugs
2) Substitute stink bugs when the regular stink bugs are on strike
3) Political Ads
4) Madonna
5) SBD bugs (Silent But Deadly) – they’re stealth AND stinky!
My “Top Five Clown Questions, Bro”
1) Will twenty-six passengers be enough for the HOV lane?
2) Does COSTCO sell seltzer?
3) Do these Nike’s come in a 48Wide?
4) Isn’t it rich – Are we a pair?
5) Is potato spelled with an ‘e’?
My “Top Five Rites Of Spring, v. 2012.0”
1) Angry Birds and their angry mating
2) Many angry about John Edwards’ mating
3) Pollen and bears falling from trees
4) “May The Fourth Be With You” greeting to be all the rage tomorrow among adults who live in their parents’ basement
5) Moving out of my parent’s basement
My “Five Things I Would Do, In Order, If I Won The $640M”
1) Give all the money to charity
2) Take all the money back from charity after family and friends beat me senseless with rolled up newspapers
3) Marry the first girl who says “Gee, I think it’s so sweet you were willing to give all that money to charity”
4) Become suspicious of new bride who begins spending the money on non-charity
5) Give all the money to charity
My “Five Natural Progression Of Events That Make The NFL The Most Perfect Self-Purifying League Of All Major Sports”
1) Peyton Manning picked up by Broncos, ousting Tebow
2) Tebow picked up by Jets, ousting Sanchez
3) Sanchez picked up by Atoms, ousting Gus the kicking mule
4) Gus picked up by The Mr. Ed Show, ousting namesake
5) Mr. Ed picked up by Colts, ousting….ah, nevermind. Perfect.
My “Five Ways To Combat Stage Fright”
1) Prayer and meditation
2) Bacardi 151
3) Picture the audience in their underwear
4) Picture the audience in Rush Limbaugh’s underwear (the one pair, that is)
5) Show up an hour late claiming you forgot to set your clock forward
My “Top Five Least Popular Valentine Candy Sayings”
1) BE HIS
2) BREATH MINT
3) U LEFT SEAT UP
4) IT’S NOT U, IT’S ME – IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
5) TEXT ME (your sister’s number)
Honorable Mentions
CALL ME (AT CLINIC)
WTF? WHO’S ROGER?
MY EYES ARE UP HERE
WE’RE COMPLICATED
I’M LATE
My “Five Reasons For Eradicating Pianist Radoslav Lorkovic With My Gamma Ray Vision”
1) His lack of compliance with the Constitutional Bylaws of The Arkanis Sector of The Outer Rim
2) My contempt for “Chopsticks”
3) A passive-aggressive thing
4) My home planet Grogdondor’s unfortunate miscommunication over the spelling of Yuri Yankyerslacksoff
5) An intergalactic crime of passion
My “5 ‘that’s’ To The Moon Tonight Is So Big”
1) that it’s being considered for Pluto’s vacancy
2) that it won’t return Spielberg’s calls
3) that theater popcorn now comes in small, medium, large, xlarge & MOON TONIGHT
4) that hours from now, it’ll be big in Japan
5) that… That’s no moon…it’s a SPACE STATION!
My “Five Least Popular Baby Names Of 2011”
1) (Girls) Jane D’OH! / (Boys) Sue
2) (G) Maleficent / (B) Adolph Sandusky
3) (G) LunarProbeUnit / (B) Dweezilphobe
4) (G) Yours? / (B) NotMine!
5) (G) SonnyBoy / (B) Cher
My “Five Alternatives To The Phrase ‘It’s Complicated'”
1) It’s pluralistic
2) It’s sans me
3) Oh, look at the time!
4) With six you get eggroll
5) Michael Clem Trio at Barrel Oak Winery, today @ 6-9pm
My “Five Songs I’m Grateful To Have On My iPod Shuffle During My Thanksgiving Jog (Trot)”
1) “Me & You & A Dog Named Boo” – Lobo
2) “Like A Soldier” – Johnny Cash
3) “Ma Jolie” – Thomas Gunn
4) “Rockin’ Chair” – The Band
5) That’s right! I’ve got Lobo on my iPod… wanna make something of it?!
My “Top Five Lesser Known Ken Burns Documentary Series”
1) The American Haircut: From Moe to Ken
2) Suffragettes Gone Wild
3) Misunderstood Slave Owners & The Glory Days of The Dixiecrat Party
4) Your Grandparents Drank Themselves To Death & So Can You!
5) Baseball, Jazz & ….. whatever
RunnerUp Documentaries:
1) “Columbus Couldn’t Discover His ASS”
2) “Dick Clark & Other Signers of the Constitution”
3) “Come Back, China, We Didn’t Mean It!”
4) “Ishtar”
5) “Shelby Foote’s Red Hot Bedroom Cam”
5 more runner ups (or is it runners up?):
1) “The Best of Slow Left-To-Right Scans of Depressing Daguerreotypes Made Palatable By Rollicking Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour Player Piano Tunes”
2) “Morgan Freeman Reads Soldier’s Letters To Your Uncle’s Bad Harmonica Playing”
3) “Kissin’ Cousins: The Franklin & Eleanor Story of Forbidden Love”
4) “The William Harrison Year(s)” (1 episode)
5) “Ishtar” – c’mon, that’s still funny!
My “Five Favorite Teams Left In The MLB Playoffs” (no particular order)
1) Detroit
2) Milwaukee
3) St. Louis
4) Texas
5) I’m told there are only four
My “Five Most Egregious Sins of William Shatner”
1) Priceline.com
2) TJ Hooker
3) Tribbles
4) “Mister Tambourine Man”
5) Star Trek Con, 1982, Reno NV
My “5 Reasons Against A Binary 4S Base Number System”
1) Can you really see yourself slapping anyone a High 4S?
2) Everyone knows that a 4S is filled with lions and tigers and bears
3) Oh my!
4) The Jackson 4S?? C’mon!
5) “You’ll end up doing 4S to 10” wouldn’t pack the same punch from my current parole officer
My “Top Five Memories of Scott Milhouse Causey”
1) His laugh
2) His pants-down brand of humor
3) His inappropriateness
4) His undying love for God, Family & James Jamerson (in that order)
5) Who we kidding? There’s no way to limit it to five… Heaven just got a whole lot funnier… Rock In Peace, Scott
My “Five Paranormal Activities In My Home”
1) Where there were once two socks, there’s now…. just one
2) Cottage cheese in the fridge now answers to the name Steve
3) Dog moved from napping on one sofa to the other without farting, but is smiling like he did
4) The mail arrived…. without a single bill or political ad!
5) What the…..?!!! Nevermind, just the furnace, duh.
My “Top 5 Rejected Ideas for Hallmarks’ New Job Loss Sympathy Cards”
1) FRONT OF CARD: Your slip is showing
INSIDE CARD: And it’s pink
2) FRONT: For He’s The Jolly Good Fellow (x3)
INSIDE: That Nobody Can Employ
3) FRONT: You’re jobless, no one’s hiring & your last resume is on 5 1/4” floppy in storage at your parents’, but I’ve got some good news…
INSIDE: I’ve just saved a whole lot on my car insurance by…
4) FRONT: Pic of a 1930s unemployment line
INSIDE: A musical card that plays “Get a job – sha na na na…”
5) FRONT: Pic of Donald Trump with caption “You’re fired!”
INSIDE: (blank)
My “Five Lesser Known Major Leaguers & Their Nicknames”
1) Wally “The Thoughtful” Moon
2) Jesús “On A Cracker” Alou
3) Hercules “RoidDroid” Gwiresosa
4) John “The Compassionate” Rocker
5) Ty “The Sterile” Tewbs
Honorable Mentions:
Wally “Dandruff Catcher” Moon
Davey “D-Bag” Bagwell
Herschel “No Last Name”
Ricky “Long Ball” Buntz
Lucifer “El Diablo” Satana
Chipper “Who Needs A Nickname” Jones
Hiroshimo “SoSueMe” Yo
Sparky “Slushball” Yeti
Miguel “The Slider” Diarríez
Billy “Cal’s Brother” Ripken
Gallant “The Honest Niekro” Niekro
Catfish “James” Hunter
Abner “Coach’s Son” Doubleday, Jr
My “Five Things I Would’ve Said To The Bear Who Attacked Our Bird Feeder (Had I Had The Courage)”
1) Hey, bear! Stop attacking our bird feeder!
2) These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
3) Hubba-hubba! – Looks like SOMEone’s getting ready for 2 piece season!
4) How bout dem Bears?…. cmon…. “Plains, Trains n Automobiles”? You must get that all the time
5) LOOK OUT, A TIGER!!!! ……….. Ha, made ya look!
My “Top Five Politically-Corrected Literary Works”
1. Taming of the Shrew — Domesticating The Ill-tempered Female
2. Moby Dick — The Large Troublesome Mammal
3. Uncle Tom’s Cabin — “Kiss-up To The MAN”s Modest Domicile
4. Romeo & Juliet — Juliet & Her Significant Other
5. The Bible — the what?
My “Top Five Peyton Tochterman Comments During The Redskins Game”
1) Ya wanna stay, douche? Ya gotta wear this hat
2) Who calls during the Skins? Sheeze, I’m not picking that up… She’s such a douche!
3) Hey mom, sorry. It’s commercial, whassup?
4) Suck a fat ****, Farve, ya ole douche!
5) Ya know what I’m happy about, dude?…… Harry Potter finally ****in dies! I HATE that douche!
My “Top Five Signs It’s Time For A Change”
1) Your screaming toddler has filled its diaper
2) “Peter Brady on line one….He wants his adolescence back”
3) Everyone behind you in the left HOV lane hates your 35mph speed
4) There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune*
5) Your elderly relative has filled its diaper
*Chicks dig Shakespeare. Call me.
My “Top Five Reasons For YOU To Return My Buddy Peyton Tochterman ‘s Stolen Rockbridge Guitars, You Thief!”
1) They’re not yours
2) We WILL find you, shave your head, bury you up to your neck and paint your head like a soccer ball at the nearest playground if you don’t. Promise.
3) They’re Rockbridge guitars, dolt. You steal Stradivarius violins, too?
4) Peyton has an army of loyal and angry friends. You live with your parents.
5) They’re not yours.
My “Five Most Popular Swear Phrases of Ancient Greece”
1) ARGONUTS!
2) Great Caesar’s Predecessor!
3) Bigus Farkis Dictum!
4) Bob Saget!
5) ZEUSDAMMIT!
My “Five Lesser Known Tales of Ancient Greece”
1) Ethos & His Athenian Street Cred
2) The Enhancing Apothecary of Hercules
3) Gyro’s Spice Odyssey
4) Euripides & I’ll rip-i-those
5) Tellysavalas vs. Barberdor
Writing popular literature in those times was real hit or myth.
My “Five Superior Features of Google Plus Over Facebook”
1) The “Nobody Gives a Damn” button for Wall posts
2) Poke has been upgraded to Gore
3) Mark Zuckerberg is not welcome & profits zilch
4) You must have an IQ higher than Lance Bass’ to join
5) No annoying top five lists
Bonus perk: All the people you unfriended on FB eagerly await you.
My “Five Wasp Spray Alternatives”
1) Reasoning
2) Gentle whisperings like “Shoo, wasps” or “Let us be”
3) Presentation of property deed to colony leader to resolve territorial dispute
4) Role play to illustrate your point
5) Benadryl shot to the arse at the ER
My “Top Five Banned Fireworks In Virginia”
1. The Digit Downsizer
2. State Farm Agent Flare
3. “Call Me Lefty” Hand Rocket
4. Highly-enriched Uranium Sparkler
5. The Driveway’s Taking A Dump pellets
Honorable Mention:
Pediatric Pyrotechnics Pack
Fountain of Death
“Must Be A Dud” Trick Roman Candle
Uncle Ahmed’s WMD Assortment (still missing)
Feline Suppository Cracker
My “Top Five Fonts”
1. Times Spartan Light
2. Deputy Sans Sheriff
3. Illegible Prescription Script
4. Coach Wayne
5. CAPS LOCK TOURETTES BOLD
My “Top Five Father’s Day Gifts”
1) your birth certificate
2) Home Depot® voucher or Gin
3) forgiveness for all those haircuts
4) solitude and unlimited Wii™ time
5) belated Mother’s Day gift & I.O.U.
My “Top Five Favourite Tuesdays”:
1) Weld
2) 15 December 1998
3) Ruby
4) 10 September 2002 (Hell-Yeah it’s a 9eleven thang, BOOYAH! Went to Wrigley Field like I was s’pose to the year before but “couldn’t”)
5) Today
My “Five Least Favourite Jelly Belly® Flavours”
1) Chum
2) Horntoad
3) Schlitz Lite
4) Expired Dairy
5) Hepatitis Bubble Gum
My “Five Least Favourite Car Air Freshener Scents”:
1) Scotch Belch
2) Frat Basement
3) Elderly Piano Teacher
4) Gary, Indiana
5) Trouble-a-brewin At The Ole Johnson Place
My “Top Five Reasons Why I’m Not One of Your Top 10 Stalkers”
1. We’ve never met
2. You don’t interest me
3. Don’t you have something better to monitor… like Farmville?
4. I rarely check in on Facebook (yawn, followed by glance at fingernails)
5. I noticed your front door is kinda squeaky, so I sprayed a lil WD-40 in the hinges… no big whoop.
My “Top Five Daily Quandaries”
1) Dr Pepper or Mr Pibb?
2) Crunchy or Smooth?
3) Superman or Batman?
4) True or False?
5) Empathy or Schadenfreude?
My “Five Ways You Know You’re Not Irish”
1) Your last name ends with an ‘i’
2) You know all the words to “Danny Boy”
3) You’ve never been mayor of Chicago
4) You’ve never owned anything SPF 90 or higher
5) You use a sick day to celebrate March 17 at Paddy O’Nottagan’s starting at 9AM
My “Five Biggest Sticker Shocks in Recent Memory”
1) #$%*ing toner for the printer
2) $19 6oz glass of wine at Siips (“Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted the test tube size…my bad”)
3) Madam Buttercup’s House of Massage invoice
4) Albert Haynesworth
5) Putting my band decal on that electrical transformer
My “Five Most Common Poker Tells”
1) Fidgetinessness & gallons of sweat
2) Inexplicable high pitched giggling
3) Air fist pumps in synch with repeated “YESSSSSSS! YESSSSSSS!”
4) Texts to loan officer in the middle of hand
5) Sudden burst of milk out of the nostrils
My “Five Reasons Why I Hate Presidents Day”
1) Powdered wigs and Amish beards give me the heebie-jeebies
2) It’s a gig I’ll never have cuz my dad is from Kenya
3) Kids have the day off from school and they block my driveway and murder my pets
4) I voted for LaRouche and I’m still bitter
5) Fibble-dee-gee!! — leave me alone, you unattractive census taker!
My “Top Five Reasons Why An Alarmingly Low Number Of People Have Chosen To Pull My Finger Since I Offered 2 Minutes Ago”
1) Shyness
2) They sit at the “cool” lunch table
3) A circus clown once pulled their father’s finger and killed him
4) The economy
5) Why is Mike up this late?
Five Things Eddie from Ohio Didn’t Have in 1991
1) Spouses or children
2) The Internet or email
3) Responsibility
4) A clue
5) Snooki
My “Five Bottom Persons of the Year for 2010”
1) New York Jets Strength & Conditioning Coach, Sal Alosi
2) WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assuegocheese
3) The Burgermeister Meisterburger
4) That guy who just cut me off
5) Actor Timothy Bottoms
My “Five Erroneous Definitions of WikiLeaks”
1) Hawaiian onions
2) Gossip at the candle factory
3) Damaging online activity of the grown-up version of Hermie, the aspiring-dentist elf
4) Satan’s favourite breakfast cereal
5) Target of Depend® undergarments
My “Five Best Features of The Newly Improved Facebook”
1) ‘Poke’ has been upgraded to ‘Bean Ball’
2) Dislike button for baby pics
3) Instant status updates for your navel
4) Photo gallery of people who owe you money
5) Government Farmville subsidies
My “Five Least Interesting Things About The Dos Equis Guy”
1) Sprints & screams like a girl at the sight of stink bugs
2) Once hit a school patrol crossing guard after drinking a case of Corona
3) Owes Blockbuster a boatload in overdue fees for “Laura Croft: Tomb Raider”
4) Hires younger women to sit with him in the back room of Ruby Tuesday’s
5) Is painfully embarrassed about his incontinence
My “Top Five Things You CAN’T Get From Alice’s Restaurant”
1) Nutrition
2) Directions to Denny’s
3) Low-fat balsamic vinaigrette
4) Carded for buying Marlboro’s
5) Alice pregnant
My “Top Five Least Appealing Four Syllable Phrases When Sung to The Melody of Händel’s Messiah“
1) Tryptophan Nap
2) Donkey Bridesmaid
3) Gastro Breath Mint
4) Pecan Pie Fight
5) Palin White House
bonus five
6) Toddler Lawn Darts
7) Month Old Sushi
8) Stink Bug Entree
9) Co-host Gifford
10) Turkey Discharge
My “Five Least Known Patron Saints”
1) Saint Yo – The Patron Saint of Toys Missing Half Their Parts
2) Saint Hogatha – The Patron Saint of Biker Bars
3) Saint Whatchutalkinboutwillis – The Patron Saint of Bygone TV Catch Phrases
4) Saint Ain’t – The Patron Saint of Insolence and Bad Grammar
5) Saint Franco de Cinco Primero – The Patron Saint of Top Fives
Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m running late for a bolt of lightning…
My “Five Favorite Waltons”
1) Jim Bob
2) John Boy
3) Sam
4) Mary Ellen Boy
5) Bob Boy…no Jason…no Elizabeth…no RumpleMee…no Rumplemeyer…RUMPLESTIIIIILTSKIN!!!
My “Five Tabloid Couple Nicknames That Didn’t Take”
1) Madonna & Alex Rodriguez – MADROID
2) UPI’s Helen Thomas & Glenn Beck – HELL-N-BECK
3) Nora Ephron & Mel Gibson – EffinNUTZ
4) Lady Gaga & Disney’s Goofy – GAGAGOLLY
5) Lindsay Lohan & OJ Simpson – CELLBLOCK-H
My “Five More Tabloid Couple Nicknames That Didn’t Take”
1) Sarah Palin & Dennis Rodman – IDIOTAROD
2) J Lo & LL Cool J – LOL
3) Regis Philbin & Pamela Anderson – PHILANDER
4) FDR & Eleanor Roosevelt – COUSINS
5) Bill Clinton & 1988 Kentucky Derby Winner, Winning Colors – SLICKFILLY
My “Top Five Things That Could Substitute ‘Purses/Pocketbooks’ With the Latest FB Trend”
1) Frusen Glädjé & Pork Rinds
2) Least favorite child
3) Defaced photo of husband’s first girlfriend
4) Painful memories of listening to Janis Ian albums on prom night
5) Database of grudges
My “Five Biggest Surprises From Bush’s New Autobiography”
1) Its publication
2) The ornate detail of the pop-up pages
3) When he pre-signed my pre-order book, he drew a little smiley face over the ‘i’ in ‘Mike’
4) His painful account of being called “Eracist” by Kanye West — He’d never deleted anything in his whole life!
5) Up until his sobriety at age 40, he’d always thought that the ‘W’ stood for ‘Whatever’
My “Five Most Interesting Facts About Crayola™ Crayons (founded in 1885)”
1) In 1958, the color PRUSSIAN BLUE was changed to MIDNIGHT BLUE
2) In 1968, the color FLESH was changed to PEACH
3) 96% of children surveyed will use BLACK lightly for shading instead of GRAY pressed very hard, in order to preserve the life of the crayon
4) I just made #3 up
5) In 2010, YELLOW ORANGE was changed to BOEHNER
YES, WE TAN!
My “Five Most Forgotten Discontinued Crayola™ Colors”
1) domestic violence blue
2) foreigner epidermis
3) burnt mother in law
4) fudge
5) off-white supremacy
My “Five Things I Realized This MidTerm Election”
1) Wiccans are defeatable
2) Use of a firearm in your political ad CAN get you elected (well… in WV)
3) The “OMG! OBAMA!!” sentiment of 2008 is still relevant. It’s just lower case these days
4) I need to get out my Winter clothes
5) For better or worse, our Democracy is alive and well
Chin up, losers. Don’t get cocky, winners – and kudos to all who voted.
My “5 Reasons To Vote Tomorrow”
1) Because you can
2) There’s a good chance you can shake hands with the candidate you’re not supporting
3) A hot octogenarian volunteer will slap an “I Voted” sticker on your chest
4) Parking validated in most precincts
5) If my little brother can cast an absentee ballot from his desert trailer in Kuwait, you can get your butt to the elementary school cafeteria (Happy Birthday, Joe!)
My “Five Reasons To Choose The Ellis Paul/Michael Clem Trio Show In Staunton Over The Barack Obama Show In Charlottesville”
1) There will be no Tea Party protesters in Staunton
2) Unless Biden’s coming, theirs will probably be a dry event
3) When we say “Yes, We Can”, we’re referring to preserves and tuna
4) EP & MC don’t have Muslim middle names (They’re actually Hitler & Stalin, respectively)
5) Aw, heck, go to both – they’ll both be monumental events that will change the course of history & change lives forever… plus POTUS is coming by our show later to play some cowbell (a rumor on Twitter)…(twitted by me)
My “Top Five Ways To Lose The Nevada Senate Race to Harry Reid”
1) Stop breathing and die
2) Expose the abducted scout troop in your trunk
3) Endorse masturbation-free witchcraft
4) Sing that damn Journey song
5) Tell a group of Hispanic high school students they look Asian
My “Top Five Versions Of ‘Angel From Montgomery'”
1) John Prine, Charlottesville Pavilion, Oct 2010
2) John Prine, every other time he’s played it
3) Me, the shower, June 2003
4) Girlfriend’s ringtone, awkward moment, last weekend
5) That lame band I high-fived before last call, circa 2009
My “Five Office Place Nicknames I Try To Keep Off My Resume”
1) Sick Day King
2) Hugs Coworkers-a-little-too-long Guy
3) Scotch™ Tape Congressman Henry Waxman Face
4) SNL-Skit-Regurgitator-til-Thursday Pest
5) Without Severance
My “Five Reasons To Pledge to WNRN 91.9FM This Morning”
1) I’m workin the phones between 7 & 9 AM
2) They have a better rotation than a Boston Market chicken
3) You can write it off my taxes
4) They’re giving away my CD (the very copy I gave them last week, in fact)
5) I’ll be pushing DJ Anne Williams out of her chair & hi-jacking the board with a continuous Falco marathon until you do!
My “Five Things You Missed By Not Attending The Debut of The Michael Clem Trio Last Night”
1) We inked a five record deal on T Bone Burnett’s new label
2) James Cameron wants to shoot our first video…. in 3D!
3) The club comped our beers
4) All who attended will forever be granted VIP status at all our future Stadium sh…ows & SNL appearances
5) Girls, Girls, Girls!!!
*This just in: T Bone just commissioned us to score the soundtrack for the new Coen Bros. sequel O Brother Where Am I?
My “Top Five Times To Post Something That Nobody Will See or Respond To”
1) 3:05 AM (Unless you’re a clocked-out bartender with digital Tourette’s)
2) 9:12 AM
3) 1986
4) noon-thirty
5) Super Bowl
My “Top 5 Signs Many Have Hidden You On Facebook”
1) Whenever you log on, tumbleweed blows across your screen
2) At Sunday worship, no one else sits in your pew
3) During rush hour, you’re given your own HOV lane
4) When you post that you’re thinking about getting a pedicure or baking chocolate chip cookies, no one clicks …’like’
5) Facebook emails you & asks you to consider MySpace or Twitter…. or A.A.
My “Five Signs You’ve Become An Icon”
1) There’s a PEZ® dispenser in your likeness
2) All the Kardashian sisters have you on speed dial
3) You’ve rolled a spare at Bowl America & every patron cheers
4) They don’t charge you for your rental shoes at Bowl America
5) Your teenage kid thinks you’re cool
BONUS SIGN – When you walk into the Cracker Barrel, a blinking marquee flashes above the doorway toward the dining area that reads “ICON!”; There’s also fog, a very loud air horn, strobe lights & a few flash pods. In addition, Cracker Barrel waives their shoe rental fee.
My “5 Reasons To Attend Eddie From Ohio’s Wolf Trap Show On Saturday”
1) Wolf Trap is the nation’s best Summer venue
2) EFO is the nation’s best folk rock quartet under 5′ 7″ (IMHO)
3) Eddie will be passing his 5 month old son throughout the audience for everyone to hold & examine
4) Robbie & Mike will be passing their 16 …yr old sons throughout the audience for everyone to hold & examine
5) Julie Murphy Wells
My “Five Things I Would Do If I Were Lindsay Lohan’s Cellmate”
1) Text all my friends: ‘OMG! I’m Lindsay Lohan’s Cellmate!!’
2) Help her with a makeshift shank, should Veronica in cellblock E try anything, you know, funny
3) Ask her tactfully who was tougher to channel in The Parent Trap, Hallie or Annie?
4) Encourage frequent visits to the weight room so we can rule the prison yard with reckless badass abandon
5) Not tell her I’m a dude
My “Five Most Honest Personal Injury Lawyer Ad Slogans”:
1) WE should get what YOU deserve
2) No claim too small, no ambulance too fast
3) If YOU are a boy who’s been named Sue, then sue in return for mental anguish & psychological duress
4) Profiting from Your Pain Since 1927
5) If you or someone you love has been hurt, injured, mamed, teased, tased, harassed, blow-torched, vuvuzela-ed, sexted, stalked, spray-painted, murdered, spammed, limericked, pop-quizzed, or bad-haircutted – CUT US A BLANK CHECK & THE FIRST CONSULTATION IS FREE
My “Five Things Overheard Between Bill Clinton & Mick Jagger At The World Cup”:
1) “We’ve been together since the 60s, but I’m just not feeling the love anymore, ya know? ….‘ow are things with ‘illary Rah‘um?”“
2) “These days, are the undies bein’ thrown on stage gittin’ larger? I’m still a thong man, muh-self.”
3) “I SAW Pirates of the Carribain III with Chels. I thought it suuucked”
4) “So then… you n Tippah? …. any….. you know…. ankie-pankie?……‘ho’s yer daddy?…. nudge-nudge…. say-no-more, say-no-more….. nudge-nudge”
5) “Excuse me, but you two are sitting in Mr. & Mrs. Bob Ueker’s seats”
My “Five Advantageous Activities During Power Outages”:
1) Entertaining yourself with your vast imagination
2) Who needs a Wii when you can punch your siblings for real
3) Taking cold showers builds character
4) Goin Quaker is all the rage!
5) … And as a last resort: reading
My “Five Things That Lasted As Long As The Isner/Mahut Wimbledon Match”:
1) William Harrison’s Inaugural address
2) Grateful Dead’s “Space”, Capitol Theater, Port Chester NY, 19 Feb 71
3) The month I spent in Salina, Kansas that one weekend
4) My last visit to the DMV
5) Jay Leno’s reign in the 10PM time slot
My “Five Notables At The Doobies/Chicago Concert @ The Lube Last Night”:
1) Doobie’s bassist is a Facebook friend
2) Frontman/Porn star Tom Johnston asks for his own standing ovations.
3) You know that annoying guy who sits through new material & screams out the hits? Well, I became THAT GUY.
4) Nothing like a grown man crying over a …tipped over $11 beer.
5) You can change the name of a venue, but you can’t polish a turd
My “Five Conciliatory Remarks Made By The Coach Before Cutting Me From JV Basketball Tryouts”:
1) Have you thought about wrestling?
2) There is no ‘u’ in team.
3) What’s your sister’s vertical leap?
4) I didn’t even know you were on the court until I saw you throwing up.
5) I know, I know, but I’d rather just play four guys.
My “5 Ways To Improve Future World Cups”:
1) Eliminate all officials; new FIFA Honour System should prove as flawless & effective as the U.N.
2) Any diving theatrics will result in red cards & immediate execution
3) No more Mickey Mouse gloves for keepers
4) Alexi Lalas grows hair & beard back so he looks less like a pleasant Bill Walton
5) Vuvuzela bonfire
My “5 Highlights Of This World Cup”:
1) My Pocket Vuvu app (I can blow in over a dozen languages!)
2) The notable absence of Jim McKay explaining the corner kick
3) Federer’s upset in the quarterfinals
4) LeBron James having lunch with someone
…5) A remarkable number of “unfriendings” following my futbol postings. HEY, COME BACK! IT’S OVER ON SUNDAY!
My “Five Dream Talking Points If I Were A Floater”:
1) Capricorn, and my name is Michael
2) …Now I like a woman who love cilantro on everythang
3) …and is proficient in drywall & spackling
4) …and has car insurance & minimal DUIs
…5) …and will hold my European carry-all while I’m in the changing room, yo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZklwTGZutc
My “Top Five Predictions For The Final Scene Of 24”:
1) Show adds a third bonus hour tonight & changes show’s name to 25
2) President Charles Logan finally gets the Commemorative Plate Set he deserves; Only one set sells. To his mother
3) Jack Bauer wakes in a cold sweat and recounts the entire series dream to his wife, Suzanne Pleshette
4) Ellen DeGeneres dances through all the carnage as the credits roll
5) After machine-gunning down all U.S., Soviet, CTU officials & entire NYC population, Bauer turns to Chloe, grabs at her schnoz, and says “Hey, I got your nose.”….Chloe….SMILES! and SCENE
BONUS PREDICTION
Jack Bauer’s dad reappears from nowhere, and steps forward with an entire crowd trying to talk Jack down, gently grabs Jack’s rifle barrel, pushes it down and says, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.” After a warm embrace, the two turn toward the camera and say “Happy Father’s Day from all of us at FOX and 24”
My “Five Best Ways for BP CEO Tony Hayward To Serve Penance For His Crimes Against The Planet Earth”:
1) Become target practice for Stephen Strasburg’s 100mph fastball
2) Serve as Helen Thomas’ date to the Ohev Shalom Synagogue’s production of “Fiddler On The Roof”
3) Take a shot of Wild Turkey with a 10W-40 chaser, or visa-versa (repeat…….hourly)
4) Get informed about England’s chances in the World Cup
5) Be subjected to a lifetime of Sincerity, with a hint of Compassion over Capitalism
My “Five Greatest Fathers”:
1) Guido Sarducci
2) Pa Walton
3) Pops Racer
4) Puff Daddy
5) My dad… or me. It’s a tie. So is my gift for him.
My “Five Best Un-aired Talent Competition Entries In The Miss U.S.A. Pageant” (Part I)
1) MISS ALASKA – catching a bullet in her teeth
2) MISS MISSISSIPPI – spelling her state via ventriloquist doll
3) MISS NEW JERSEY – tossing a pizza dough whilst simultaneously flipping off the entire judge’s panel
4) MISS ARIZONA – securing our borders with alarming good looks
5) MISS UTAH – twirling a baton
My “Five Best Un-aired Talent Competition Entries In The Miss U.S.A. Pageant” (Part II)
1) MISS MONTANA – finding Waldo
2) MISS OREGON – trashing Miss California
3) MISS ILLINOIS – reading limericks about “a guy named Blagojevich”
4) MISS VIRGINIA – smoking a ham (disqualified)
5) MISS WEST VIRGINIA – defending dissertation on the computational molecular biological significance of deriving small diagnostic biomarker panels from genome wide, clinical microarray studies – Pith or Not Pith?
My “Five Best Un-aired Talent Competition Entries In The Miss U.S.A. Pageant” (Part III)
1) MISS HAWAII – claiming under polygraph test to have never heard of Jack Johnson
2) MISS ALABAMA – seceding from the competition
3) MISS OHIO – Hula Hoop® dancing with a Firestone® Radial
4) MISS LOUISIANA – hurling Mazel Tov cocktails at BP offices
5) MISS MINNESOTA – thawing
My “Five Best Un-aired Talent Competition Entries In The Miss U.S.A. Pageant” (Part IV)
1) MISS FLORIDA – screwing up the judge’s ballots
2) MISS OKLAHOMA – performing “Oklahoma” entirely on armpit farts
3) MISS NORTH DAKOTA – spontaneously combusting, just for attention
4) MISS SOUTH DAKOTA – extinguishing Miss ND
5) MISS DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – symbolically given a spot in the pageant… but not really
My “Five Best Un-aired Talent Competition Entries In The Miss U.S.A. Pageant” (Part V)
1) MISS MAINE – working the letter ‘R’ into the spoken word
2) MISS CALIFORNIA – lo-carbing
3) MISS SOUTH CAROLINA – hiking the Appalachian Trail
4) MISS WYOMING – riding a mechanical bull whilst reciting Cheyenne’s entire phonebook from memory, in under a minute
5) MISS NEVADA – heckling Miss Utah’s baton act
My “Five Lesser Known POTUS Nicknames (Part I)”
1) James “Ole Rough & Randy” Polk
2) Bill “The Great Depantsipator” Clinton
3) John “Mini-series Longer Than Administration” Adams
4) John “F” Kennedy
5) William “Just Shoot Me” McKinley
My “Five Lesser Known POTUS Nicknames (Part II)”
1) William “Third Helping” Taft
2) Grover “Don’t Get Too Comfortable, Harrison” Cleveland
3) Zachary “Old Milk & Bad Cherries” Taylor
4) Richard “Speak A Little Closer Toward the Desk Lamp” Nixon
5) Benjamin “What’s With The Floater, Grover?” Harrison
My “Five Lesser Known POTUS Nicknames (Part III)”
1) Herbert “Sucky” Hoover
2) Gerald “Personal Injury Insurance” Ford
3) Harry “Dewey Punker” Truman; also Harry “Daughter Can’t Sing Fer X*&%#!” Truman
4) William “Shepherd’s Hook Avoider” Harrison
5) Alexander “Hadn’t Read The Chain of Command Yet” Haig
My “Five Lesser Known POTUS Nicknames (Part IV)”
1) Jimmy “Can’t Pronounce ‘Nuclear’ ” Carter
2) George W. “Can’t Pronounce” Bush
3) Barack “HusSEEEEIIIIN!!!” Obama (courtesy of FOXNews®)
4) Martin “The Forgettable” VanWhozits
5) Al “WTF?” Gore
My “Five Most Common Replies To ‘Why Did Ya Tase Me, Bro?'”
1) We don’t let the kids run the bases until AFTER the game
2) This is the LADIES’ locker room
3) You don’t just jump out of the crowd to fist bump The President
4) Aren’t you a little tan to be walking around Tempe
5) Oh, sorry, we thought you were Geraldo Rivera
Runner up – Unless you’re attending “The Lion King” or Kathy Griffin’s One Woman Show, there’s NO reason for anyone to need THAT much fertilizer!
My “Five Biggest Pet Peeves for Mr. Whipple”
1) Please don’t squeeze the Charmin®
2) Please don’t hug the Depends®
3) Please don’t grope the bag boy
4) Please don’t bathe your children in the lobster tank
5) Please don’t tell my wife I got fired from Goldman Sachs
My “Five Things Stickers & Decals On A Vehicle Say About Its Driver & Passengers”
1) “Hey, we’re an enigmatic family of stick figures!”
2) “Ask me about my grandsticks”
3) “Oh, the ashphalt-coloured sticker ribbon? It’s to celebrate Tailgate Awareness”
4) The previous owner of the car had some honor students
5) “The family that STICKS together…well…is just a bunch of sticks, apparently”
My “Top Five Things You May Not Have Known About Me”
1) My name is Michael
2) I got a nickel
3) I got a nickel shiny and new
4) I’m gonna buy me all kinds of candy
5) I have an embarrassing birthmark shaped like Eva Perón that I’m thinking about putting on eBay, Thats what I’m gonna do
My “Five Most Tiresome, Overused, Cliched Song Lyrics”
1) I would climb any mountain
2) I’m a little rusty at love, and you ain’t got yer tetanus shot
3) Stop putting words in my mouth, Edgar Bergen
4) Ouch, my awkwardly oversized hall pass!
5) Someone left the Funyuns® out in the rain
My “Five Funniest Guys I Know”
1) Andy
2) Mike F.
3) Cashier No. 7
4) My cousin before he got married
5) Teddy Roosevelt w/enormous head
My “Five Favourite Under-The-Radar Bluesmen”
1) Mild Astigmatism Boysenberry Nixon
2) Tourette’s Syndrome Kiwi Johnson
3) The Gout Pomegranate Quincy Adams
4) Ricky Martin Album-owning Artificial Citrus Flavour Ford
5) Amnesia Something-Nut Whatshisface
My “5 Things To Get Really, Really, Really Worked Up About”
1) China getting to the moon
2) Child obesity on the moon
3) Laura Bush’s book outselling the new Harry Potter (…what’s that…huh?..)
4) That soccer mom in her SUV getting my parking spot!
5) Chrystal Bowersox NOT advancing in American Idol…… oh yeah, and World Peace
My “Five Mandatory Precautions To Take When Your Neighborhood Volcano Erupts”
1) Good a time as any to change your smoke alarm batteries
2) Make sure your Fire-retardant Jumpsuit is back from the cleaners
3) Be certain all the kid’s toys are out of the pyroclastic flow moat surrounding your home
4) Double check that Tom Hanks & Alicia Keys are available for the celebrity telethon that Thursday
5) TiVO “American Idol”
My “Five Favorite Rites Of Spring”
1) Taking down the Christmas lights
2) Making snow angels in the pollen
3) Building a killer, impenetrable fort out of sofa cushions & all my empty Kleenex boxes
4) Getting in shape for two-piece season, and cleaning my binoculars
5) Polishing the Schwinn
My “Five Things That Are Certain In This World, In Addition To Death & Taxes”
1) Beta over VHS
2) Dan Snyder’s Redskins having January off
3) Unflattering ski lift pass photos
4) Customer service in India
5) Alex Ovechkin preferring his corn OFF the cob
My “Five Examples That The Best TV Shows Are When The Wife’s Voice Is Lower Than The Husband’s”
1) I Love Lucy
2) The Jeffersons
3) Good Times
4) The Simpsons
5) The Waltons
Runner Up – 60 Minutes (Isn’t Lesley Stahl married to Andy Rooney?)
My “Five Most Important Things I Learned, I Learned In Kindergarten”
1) Always have an extra pair of shorts
2) Timmy Berkmeyer is a real jerk face
3) The quadratic formula is applicable to nothing except pre-occupying students whilst teachers go to the lounge for a smoke
4) Timmy Berkmeyer picks his nose and eats it
5) There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads onto fortune
My “Top Five Prize Ideas For My 1,000th Facebook Friend”
1) Thousand dollar shopping spree at Dart Drug
2) Season tickets to the Washington Federals
3) A new Saturn or a coupon to Bennigan’s
4) Peter Frampton poster
5) A free Facebook poking
My “Five Reasons Why Vacationers Prefer The Love Boat over The Star Trek Ship”
1) Sunbathing on The Enterprise’s Lido Deck leads to certain death.
2) Puerto Vallarta is a much more desirable destination than Epsilon IX
3) The Pacific Princess doesn’t have Space Scurvy
4) Tribbles
5) William Shatner creeps out most Soccer Moms and their small Vulcan children
My “Five Reasons To Let Teddy Win the President’s Race”
1) It’s April 7, and the Nats are already out of the playoffs- why not
2) His “Bully!” battle cry needs to make a comeback
3) First environmental president, it just seems politically correct
4) I’m so over Abe, GW & TJ… what have THEY done lately?
5) His nemesis Taft got to throw out the 1st pitch ever – sweet redemption, I s’pose
My “Five Dentists Who Would Recommend Trident Gum To Their Patients Who Chew Gum”
1) Dr. Gabriel Greenbaum
2) Dr. Teeth of The Electric Mayhem
3) Dr. Jerry Robinson (Bob Newhart’s office suite mate)
4) Dr. Christian Szell (but still uncertain if it’s ‘safe?’)
5) Hermey the Frustrated Toy-Making Elf
Update – Greenbaum pulled out, leaving the list to a mere four.
My “Top Five Hiding Places For Easter Eggs”
1) Beneath the Hibachi coals
2) Under napping Uncle Hank
3) The liquor cabinet
4) By the I-66 on ramp
5) The Temple Rodef Shalom foyer
My “Five Possible Answers To Who Is The THEY In ‘That’s What They Say’?”
1) You know…. THEM
2) The Van Pattens
3) Junior High School Guidance Counselors
4) The cool lunch table
5) Paris Hilton & whasserface
My “Five Things That Make Me Smile”
1) Sunshine
2) Gumdrops
3) Tickling
4) Beer Pong
5) My Care Bear pajamas
My “Five Statements That You Pray Are Followed With ‘APRIL FOOLS!'”
1) Hey, nice cold sore!
2) Dude, where are your pants?
3) Did you see? Someone tagged your police photo on Facebook
4) Sorry, your sign said to kick you hard
5) So what’s on your bucket list before the meteor hits at noon?
My “Five April Fools Jokes That Morphed Into Real Things”
1) New Coke
2) The Hercshel Walker Trade
3) Reality TV
4) “Get this…nobody knows her…she’s pretty…she can’t spell GOP if you spotted her the G and the P…make her your running mate!”
5) “Let’s get everybody to join hands from coast to coast…” (actually, it was still a joke)
My “Five Things You May Not Have Known About Gene Shalit”
1) He lives in Western Massachusetts
2) He drives a copper-coloured Honda Element
3) If you wave to him, he waves back
4) If he didn’t dye his hair, he’d be the spitting image of Mark Twain
5) He shares a birthday with Mark Twain. Same year, too.
My “Five Other Things To Argue About Other Than Health Care”
1) Global Warming: Myth or Rogue Yoga Position
2) Toilet Paper Installation: Over or Under
3) Clay or Ruben
4) Whether or not that dress makes you look fat
5) Alright, alright, health care… let’s DO THIS!
My “Five Reasons To Pledge to WNRN 91.9 FM”
1) If you don’t, the terrorists win
2) They have greater coverage of Virginia than kudzu
3) A statue will be erected in your honour (but you have to change your name to Jefferson)
4) EVERYBODY’s doing it! ….. followed by jumping off a cliff
5) If you don’t, they will be forced to re-format to ANGRY WHITE MALE talk radio
My “Five Reasons Why Sandra Should Take Jesse Back”
1) I’m not available
2) A remaining lifetime of giving the stink eye can be quite empowering
3) She never got to show off the new henna tattoo of the cute little dolphin on her ankle
4) Well, she didn’t really technically thank him by name at the Oscars
5) Everybody deserves an eighth chance
My “Five Other Ways To Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day”
1) Drive the snakes out of my tool shed
2) Fly to Dublin & tell them about this holiday they’ve never heard of
3) Dance around like a leprechaun to your vinyl copy of Van Mo’s Astral Weeks @ 78rpms
4) Speak in an Irish accent all day only to have your friends say you sound Scottish
5) Git oot ye hankies for this stirring rendition of a classic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbuRA_D3KU
My “Top Five Shark-jumping Moments On The Six Million Dollar Man“
1) Sasquatch
2) Denim leisure suits go out of style
3) Slo-mo stunt scenes get cut, reducing the 1 hour episode to 30 minutes
4) Steve Austin becomes the Five Million Dollar Man when he buys a Toyota Prius
5) Cousin Oliver
Honorable mention – Lee Majors sings “Sweet Jaime” to help launch The Bionic Woman series
My “Top Five Internet Sniglets”:
1) BLOGCLOG – the last-word-freak belief that your contribution to an argumentative online discussion will end all debate
2) DEMOTICON – lowering of social status by using punctuation marks to express emotion
3) BCBCC – Secretly copying an email to the Geico cavemen
4) DOT GOV’NUH – email extension for UK Parliament
5) Wi-Fo – spouse who thinks you’re on the computer too much
My “Five Alternative Ways To End The Vancouver Games”
1) Exhume & reanimate Hendrix for a scorching Strat version of “O Canada”
2) Don’t write your name in the snow – extinguish the flame! The scent should carry all the way to Palin’s and Putin’s houses
3) Have the nation’s best sled dog racing team jump a shark
4) Debut The Marriage Ref (that should end NBC, too)
5) RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
My “Top Five Oscar Picks For 2010”
1) Best Picture – Jeff Bridges
2) Best Editing in Foreign Language Short Feature (Animated) – Chaton Avec la Boule de Fils (Kitten With Ball of Yarn)
3) Best Makeup – Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston
4) Lifetime Achievement for Biggest Gratuitous Oscar Blunder – Marisa Tomei
5) The Best (Just ask him) – James Cameron
My “Five Things People Will Miss Most About Me While I’m Out Of The Country”
1) My uncanny ability to capture the imagination of the Facebook Nation on any topic in a five course meal of verbal wizardry
2) My modesty
4) My un-recalled Japanese car
3) My impeccable sense of order
5) My lack of a fifth thing people will miss most about me while I’m out of the country
My “Five Reasons To Cancel Valentine’s Day This Year”
1) Crippling apathy
2) 96″ of debilitating snow can cool off even the hottest passion
3) We can devote our attention to a far more romantic occasion- President’s Day
4) An empty box during 2nd grade’s card exchange has left me scarred & bitter
5) I didn’t have a chance to get anybody anything (and I’m out of construction paper & glitter)
My “Five All Time Greatest Bonds”
1) Sir Sean Connery
2) Laddie Boy Daniel Craig
3) Gary U.S.
4) Barry Nelson (*the ORIGINAL, apologies to Sir Sean)
5) Marital with a notarized pre-nup
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYhQqTAGd7k
My “Top Five Bond Women”
1) Pussy Galore
2) Honey Rita
3) Miss Moneypenny
4) Roger Moore
5) Rosa Klebb (spike in the shoe? Now THAT’s sexy!)
My “Top Five Bond Nemesi”
1) Shyness
2) Blofeld
3) tie – Dr. No / Goldfinger
4) Dame Judi Dench
5) Pirated DVDs of Octopussy
My “Top Five Bond Gadgets”
1) Nuclear Warhead Throat Lozenge
2) Facebook Hacker Ring
3) Hidden Parabolic Mic Suppository
4) iPad w/GPS App to Villain’s Lair complete w/Hotel & Restaurant Guide
5) Viagra Suicide Pill
My “Five Most Common Lost-n-Found Items At The Premier Inn, Longlevens, England”
1) Cell phone chargers
2) Umbrellas (aka Brollies)
3) Highly-enriched uranium (The Brits say “Extra Fatty Yer-IN-Yum”)
4) Ill-behaved children
5) Innocence
My “Five Lesser Known Runner Up Olympic Medals To The Gold, Silver & Bronze”
1) FOURTH PLACE – Railroad-flattened penny
2) FIFTH – Leo Sayer CD
3) SIXTH – Einstein’s Everything Bagel
4) SEVENTH – The Commemorative Tonya Harding Saucer
5) EIGHTH – My “O” Face
My “Top 5 Alternatives to Viewing The Winter Olympics Curling Competition”
1) Watching paint dry
2) Staring at the Emergency Broadcast System screen
3) Alphabetizing your socks
4) Attending an all-night rave with George Will
5) Coming up with another top five alternatives to watching a dart tournament or a cricket match
Thank you, BBC, for your extensive Vancouver coverage. Of curling.
My “Five Best Things About The Who’s Halftime Show”
1) 50% of the original members in attendance
2) No paid-for Glee audition rejects feigning enthusiasm in the front mosh pit
3) Drummer Zak Starkey learning from his old man to never sing
4) Daltrey not getting his 1965 wish. He got old. Very old.
5) Gomer nabbing Barney on the grounds of “Citizen’s Arrest” (I was channel flippin)
LONG LIVE ROCK! (No matter Who)
My “Top Five Other Events Coinciding With John Edwards’ Triumphant Comeback”
1) Pigs take flight
2) Satan orders A/C for Employee Appreciation Week
3) Wrigley Field has home field advantage in the World Series
4) Susan Lucci wins a second Daytime Emmy
5) Gov. Sanford, Tiger Woods, Eliot Spitzer & Bill Clinton host a male View-esque show called The Peep Hole
My “Top Five Things To Hog This Summer While Kids Are Making Up Snow Days Until Mid-August”
1) The water slide at the neighborhood pool
2) The good TV chair
3) Bike parking at the 7eleven
4) Quality time with Mr. & Mrs. Detweiller, my neighbors
5) FRONT seat!
My “Top Five Highlights During the Grammy Awards”
1) Beyonce escorted in by the Storm Troopers’ Black Panther division
2) P!nk turning green from excessive spinning while mooning the Staples Center
3) Kanye West letting Taylor Swift keep her awards
4) Peyton Manning & Drew Brees interviewed at halftime
5) Albemarle County Schools are closed tomorrow
My “Top Five Doppelgangers”
1) Patton Oswalt – Truman Capote
2) Khalil Sheikh Mohammed – Ron Jeremy
3) John Mellencamp – Bilbo Baggins
4) Donny Osmond – Marie Osmond
5) Tammy Faye Baker – H.R. Puffinstuff (whaah – too soon?)
My “Five Reasons To Be Stoked For The NFL Pro Bowl”
1) All of the league’s second & third best players on the SAME FIELD!
2) Halftime show: The WHOM – a Who tribute band from Branson, MO
3) Ad spots still available if you need to plug somethin’
4) For those down on the violence of the sport, there should be little to no contact in this game
5) TVLand’s Andy Griffith marathon is all re-runs
My “Five Best Things About the New iPad”:
1) It’s the same dimensions as the letter you’ll get apologizing for AT&T’s lame service
2) Compared to the iPhone – your hand looks really small – making you feel more powerful
3) At $499, just like the iPhone, it’ll be FREE by August!
4) Has Steve Jobs lost weight?
5) TVLand’s Andy Griffith marathon is all re-runs this Sunday…
My “Five Reasons Why Indianapolis Is Just As Exciting A Place As N’awlins”
1) A mere 67.5 miles from the world’s biggest ball of paint
2) Host to a big annual race where cars continually turn left for 500 miles
3) One Day at a Time … nuff said
4) The Colts’ “Who Are They?” battle cry is much more grammatically correct
5) Did I mention the ball of paint?
My “Top Five Pat Robertson News Sources”
1) The 666 Club
2) Thin air
3) A little bird
4) A friend of a friend
5) His arse
My “Five Alternative Places for NBC to Stick Jay Without Offending Conan”
1) ABC
2) in re-runs
3) Simon Cowell’s vacant spot
4) On one of his Harley’s heading into the Pacific
5) Dennys
My “Five In/Out’s For 2010”
1) IN- inzie navels / OUT- outsie navels
2) IN- The In Crowd / OUT- You know….them
3) IN- Pewter fixtures & pedestal sinks in the powder room / OUT- Outhouses
4) IN- Brains connecting to spinal cords / OUT- Glenn Beck
5) IN- Oprah’s Triumphant Return / OUT- Oprah’s Tearful Goodbye
Runner Up
IN- Going Rogue / OUT- Going Commando
My “Top Five New Year’s Resolutions”
1) Party like it’s 1999
2) Retire that old “Chunks is my dog” joke
3) Plan lots of spontaneity
4) Scream at the television more, and occasionally turn it on
5) Take up smoking & overeating
My “Five Phrases to Retire in 2010”
1) Worst case scenario…
2) (fill in blank) Bailout
3) Anything ending with the word ‘yo’
4) Two thousand, nine
5) TIE – Jive Turkey & Keep On Truckin’
My “Top Five Christmas Quotes”
1) God bless us, everyone – TINY TIM
2) Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp – WHOVILLE
3) Charlie Brown IS a blockhead – LUCY VAN PELT
4) It’s a boy! – JOSEPH
5) Bbbbbrrrrrrrr – TIGER WOODS
My “Top Five Ways To Extend Christmas Warmth”
1) Traffic sucks. Don’t cut someone off. Let them in
2) Don’t EVER pass up a Salvation Army bucket
3) Wish everyone the best holiday wishes & try to mean it
4) Euthanize cats
5) Tell complete strangers that their holiday sweater rocks
My “Five Ways To Back Peddle With Cat Fans You’ve Offended”
1) Send them a scented candle. The scent? Litter box
2) Rub against their bare legs while they’re standing in the kitchen starting the coffee maker
3) Make “Memory” your outgoing voice mail message
4) Throw up your hands in indignation and claim “Hey, some of my best friends are cats”
5) Don’t
My “Top Five Awkward Christmas Gift Reactions”
1) Oh, you really should have
2) You expect me to wear this in public?
3) You gave me one of these last year, duh!
4) I don’t get it
5) Who’s Bathsheba? Did you mix up yet another gift, Tiger?
My “Top Five Boxing Day Traditions”
1) Ignoring the Queen’s Address
2) Flatulence
3) Ignoring the Queen’s Flatulence
4) Presenting the indentured servants with Whitman’s Samplers & Personalized No. 2 Pencil sets, before firing them
5) Two turtle doves & leftovers for brunch
My “Top 5 Musical Instruments No Longer in Use”
1) Double neck lute
2) Colostomy bagpipe
3) Kazooka
4) log
5) The Silvertone Model 604 3/4 scale lacquer-finish, sunburst body, nylon string, imitation rosewood neck w/fake ivory tuning pegs w/o the case, acoustic guitar
(I think I have the last one)
My “Top 5 Things To Come Out of the UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen”
About five dozen limos
My “Five Favourite All-Time Christmas Movies”
1) It’s a Wonderful Life
2) A Christmas Story
3) The Nightmare Before Christmas
4) GoodFellas
5) Avatar (replacing Ishtar)
My “Five Best Songs To Shovel By On the iPod”
I don’t know why, they just are.
1) “Theme from Rocky” – BILL CONTI
2) Anything by Wagner
3) “Calling Dr. Love” – KISS
4) “Take This Job And Shove It” – JOHNNY PAYCHECK
5) “Working In A Coal Mine” – LEE DORSEY
My “Five Worst Songs to Shovel By On the iPod”
1) “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” – MARVIN GAYE & TAMMI TERRELL
2) Any and all chipper Holiday songs referring to snow
3) “Cold As Ice” – FOREIGNER
4) “How Much Is That Snow Blower In The Window?” a rare PATTI PAGE b-side
5) “Working In A Coal Mine” – DEVO
My “Top Five Wise Men”
1) Melchior
2) Balthasar
3) Caspar
4) Bernanke
5) Curly
My “Top Five Ways America Has Empowered the Letter F”
1) Effin snow!!!
2) What the F?
3) Whaddya frickin’ think?
4) Gee, I dunno
5) F. Murray Abraham
My “Five Reasons Why Parson Brown Went Postal On The Town”
1) “That snowman looks nothing like me. NOTHING!”
2) “Of ALL places… in the bloody MEADOW? Criminy!”
3) Paranoid & insecure, he heard others would conspire by the fire
4) HIS Rabbi Dershowitz snowman was demolitioned by salt trucks
5) “Hey! That carrot should be used for the NOSE!”
My “Top Five Reasons To Be A Bass Player”
1) So America has someone to hate other than the terrorists
2) To get all the lead guitarist’s girlfriend’s roommates
3) People speak to you more slowly
4) Whereas most people & showoffs need five reasons, you only need four
5) You can die bitter and alone… Merry Christmas!
I’m Snowed In, And Here Are My “Five Reasons To Stop By”
1) Plenty of dog sled parking
2) Heated bathrooms
3) Entire second season of “Mr. Belvedere” on DVD
4) Door bell rings the theme to “Shaft”
5) Re-stocked wine bar (thanks to Eckerd Drug)
My “Top Five Reindeer on Santa’s B Team”
1) VOMIT – constantly under the weather
2) ENHANCER – suspected of being ‘on the juice’
3) NIXON – “I am NOT an Elk”
4) ADOLPH – has a Superiority Complex
5) BABE LAUFENBERG – always a bridesmaid….
My “Five Sponsors Tiger Woods PICKED UP This Week”
1) Pledge Woods Polish
2) Nut-n-Honey Cereal
3) The FTD Pick Me Up Bouquet
4) Governor Mark Sanford
5) Girls Gone Wild!
My “Five Other Outcomes Had George Bailey Never Been Born”
1) Sam Wainwright gets shivved for saying “Hee Haw” nonstop
2) Zuzu changes her name as SOON as legally possible (to Frank)
3) Gower’s Pharmacy now a topless Starbucks
4) Librarian Mary Hatch is still hot as blazes
5) Sadly, wing-less Clarence is wielding a pitchfork at his new gig
My “Top Five Island of Misfit Toys Outcasts”
1) Cross dressing Ken doll
2) Razor wire Slinky
3) Chatty Cathy with potty mouth
4) Nerf bike
5) Bob the Builder nail gun
My “Five Most Pretentious Wine Descriptions”
1) Pious, yet sinful
2) Chutney with a hint of mischief
3) Breathy, like a chubby pre-teen in Gym
4) Wants to be a Cab, but so hopelessly rickshaw
5) Might be suitable with, say, Tapas and other overpriced crap
My “Five Least Sophisticated Wine Descriptions”
1) *Belch*
2) That nun on the bottle sure is purdy
3) Doncha mean FREEDOM Bordeaux?
4) My kids’ll LOVE this!
5) This come in a box?
My “Top 5 Clues To Santa That Some of His Toy-Making Elves May Be Chinese”
1) They’re short, but not…you know, ‘elf-short’.
2) They keep threatening to put mercury in bad kids’ stockings.
3) They constantly brag about owning over 70% of Santa’s stock.
4) They’re not pronouncing ‘Fa-La-La-La-La’ like the other elves during carols.
5) They refuse to work the assembly line of the Dalai Lama Bobble-Head dolls.
My “Five Runner-up Gifts for the Twelve Days of Christmas”
1) Eight Prisoners Spooning
2) Ten Toddlers Smoking
3) Eleven Amish Rapping
4) Two turtle dumps
5) and Keith Partridge in an RV
My “Five Lesser Known Dickens Holiday Ghosts”
1) Ghost of Christmas Spent at In-laws
2) Ghost of Christmas Fruit Cakes Re-Gifted
3) Ghost of Christmas Hanukkah
4) Ghost of Tom Shales Review of Kathy Lee Gifford Special
5) Ghost of Christmas Albums That Should Have Never Been Made
My “Five Things I’m NOT Thankful For This Thanksgiving”
1) Mouth ulcers
2) That confound-it molded plastic packaging that everything comes in, and you always slice yourself upon opening
3) Yanni
4) The lack of good V-neck trousers at Old Navy for that post-meal nap during the Lions game
5) Oprah’s not really going away after all
My “Five Things I’m Thankful For This Thanksgiving”
1) The phone book is alphabetized
2) The way knees bend like they do; Works perfectly with chairs
3) My extensive & timeless wardrobe from Chess King
4) The Beatles are still together & pumping out new product
5) My son
My “Five Reasons Why I’ll Miss Jimmy Buffett’s Concert Tonight in Charlottesville”
1) Self respect
2) Cut my heel had to cruise on back home
3) Violent vomiting…and other crowd activity
4) Have to attend a Parrot Heads Anonymous Meeting, where coffee is served in styrofoam cups w/ little umbrellas
5) …not a fan
My “Five Ways to GO ROGUE!”
1) Catch salmon with your teeth
2) Join something. Then quit.
3) Wink when you kind-a-cuss
4) Pee standing
5) Write more than you read
My “Five Things I’m Doing During This Recession”
1) Sulking and Napping
2) Making sure no one else smiles
3) Wearing apocolyptic sandwich boards even during my crossing guard duty
4) Sudoku
5) The Hustle
My “Five More Humane Ways to Torture Guy Fawkes on Nov 5, Rather Than Setting Him Ablaze”
1) Wedgie
2) Purple Nurple
3) Noogie
4) Mariah Carey
5) Parliament on CSPAN
My “Five Foolproof Election Ballot Methods”
1) Sheet metal punch cards
2) Dartboard
3) Whispering to the 90-year-old volunteer who, in turn telegraphs the info to HQ
4) Drive-by Vote – one honk for Dem; two honks for GOP; Morse code honk for Write-In
5) Just show up and be counted, it’s a beautiful thing
My “Five Reasons To Move Luxembourgian-American Awareness Month from February to October”
1) October is longer, by three whole days!
2) The Acquisition of Lucilinburhuc took place in October 963 A.D., NOT February. Duh!
3) Luxembourg’s main artillery for many centuries has been the Catipulted Pumpkin
4) It’ll really irk the Belgian-Americans, who still don’t have an Awareness Month
5) It’s November, and we can put it off 11 months. (Aw, come on, Luxies!… we kid, because we love)
My “Five Sensible Treats to Hand Out Instead of Candy at Halloween”
1) Pamphlets about acne
2) Dental floss
3) Pictures from your last vacation
4) A large gourd
5) “Hey, I got your nose, ha ha… There! I’m giving it back. Stop crying.”
Better Know Your/My “5 Airport Threat Levels”
1) ORANGE – must be an election coming up
2) BURNT SIENNA – best travel w/an xtra pair of shorts
3) PERIWINKLE – a likely time for terrorists to come out of their shells
4) GOLDENROD – don’t get too pissed w/ long delays
5) GRAY – we’re frisking all the suspicious octogenarians we can find!
I Just Took a Facebook Quiz & Here Are My “Five Indian Names”
1) Sprints Like a Girl from Hornets
2) Cheats at Sudoku
3) Running Nose
4) GeroniMos Def
5) Logs On Too Much
(Two Dogs Wrestling somehow didn’t make the cut)
What Indian name are YOU? Put off responsibilities and take the quiz…
My “Five Clues a Telemarketing Call Is Fraudulent”
1) After saying, “Hello, I’m Phil” he asks “What is your VISA number, and how are YOU doing this evening, Mr. or Ms. Resident?”
2) You overhear a roomful of his co-workers giggle when he says “The Fireman’s Ball”
3) Your caller I.D. says “Fraudulent Telemarketing Call”
4) You’re asked for a donation to the Dukakis campaign
5) It’s your college-aged kid just calling to say he loves you
My “Five Reasons Facebook Should NOT Charge Its Users”
1) They could lose face. Or faces.
2) Profiting from the enjoyment of others is simply Un-American
3) When Facebook users lose, the terrorists win
4) What are people gonna have to pay for next – bottled water?!?!
5) I have waaaay too much spare time and a big effin’ backlog of Top 5s.
My “Five Activities I’ve Done, But Was Upset to Find Out It Was Captured on Someone’s Cell Phone Cam”
1) Rollerblading
3) Attending a Jimmy Buffett concert
3) Showering at a KOA
4) Defacing a Jimmy Buffett poster
5) Getting tased
My “Five Ways How I Spent Columbus Day”
1) Discovering a new grocery store in town
2) Discovering a brand of genoa salami named Columbus – Genoa is his birthplace! Cue up Twilight Zone music!
3) Discovering an unsightly pimple
4) Cursing that ever complacent Postal Service – Dang you!!
5) Discovering an Italian didn’t discover America. The Greeks beat him to it. Again.
My “Five Things I Found In the Glove Compartment”
1) No gloves
2) Ketchup packets
3) Roy Rogers Buckaroo Club card
4) More ketchup packets
5) Vehicle registration indicating I was in the wrong car
My “Five Other Alcor Abuses of Frozen Celebs”
1) John Dillinger’s privates have been used as a whistle stick during LA Angels games
2) Mae West’s rear end has been used as a place for Alcor interns to park their bikes
3) Dean Martin’s liver has been used as a Happy Hour shot source
4) Anna Nicole Smith’s body has been used
5) More than Four out of Ten people believe batting Ted Williams’ head is wrong
My “Five Status Updates That Indicate There Should Be a Separate Kvetchbook“
1) If my kids ask me ONE more time what’s for dinner…so HELP me!!
2) OMG – Mom won’t tell us what’s for dinner — she’s glued to the computer
3) My favorite sports team just lost. Where’s my Zoloft?
4) I just can’t go on
5) A deranged gunman is holding our family hostage – Please send help!
(…whine, whine, whine…)
My “Five Reasons the IOC Should Rethink Giving the Games to Chicago”
1) Can you imagine “Chicago: The Musical” ON ICE at the opening ceremonies?
2) There’s tremendous alpine skiing in Northern Illinois
3) We can throw the Men’s Hockey gold to China and further improve our relations (NO, Tibet’s NOT invited!)
4) Where the X@#% are you gonna luge in Rio?!?
5) We’re talkin’ Winter Olympiad, right?
My “Five Easy Sources of Income During These Tough Economic Times”
1) That dead guy’s wallet
2) Your gullible distant cousin
3) Soft shoe busking routine in front of Whole Foods
4) Outstretching your hand in front of Whole Foods
5) Be your OWN boss! Work from home! Check out my websitewww.ponziwasright.net
My “Five Favorite Chinese Knock-Off Toys I Had As A Kid”
1) Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Barbies
2) Easy Bake Incinerator, for deceased toys
3) Fonzie Doll with Kung Fu Grip
4) Board with Nail Poking Out
5) Serious Putty
My “Five Politically Correct Insults from a Dunking Machine Clown”
1) You throw like a non-man
2) Yes, funnel cake IS delicious, but moderation is important, too
3) Is that your mother? I bet she has a nice personality
4) If you were actually on better terms with your father, then he could help you with your pitching
5) Hey fella, you could get more girls if you just wore a shirt
My “Five Missing But Desired Features On Facebook – When Poking Just Won’t Do”
1) Mooning someone
2) Sending someone a grenade
3) DISliking something and Announcing the poster’s mother dresses him funny
4) Unfriending someone with huge sound effects (ie, gong, detonation or toilet flush)
5) Rejecting some dolt’s Top Five list
My “Five Peeves Prince Charming Has Articulated About New Bride Snow White”
1) She’s constantly Facebooking with Grumpy & Dopey
2) Gooseberry Pie… EVERY night. Shoot me!
3) There’s forest animal crap ALL OVER THE PLACE
4) Her singing’s pretty and all at first, but after a while…sheeze
5) I was more attracted to her when she was dead
My “Five Remarks by Walter Disney Upon Unfreezing”
1) Brrrrrrr!
2) Gee willikers, my vocal chords are frozen in my Mickey voice!
3) You kept the film vaults shut, didn’t ya, Eisner?
4) Man on the moon?! A black President?! What next – a Disney park in France?
5) Whaddya lookin at?! I TOLD you I was frozen… throw me a robe!
My “Top Five Disney Villains”
1) Cruella de Vil
2) Mothra
3) Michael Eisner
4) Touchy, the forgotten dwarf
5) Dreamworks
My “Five McDonaldland Finest Hours”
1) McDonaldland Invades Poland
2) Officer Big Mac orchestrates Mayor McCheese Sting Operation
3) Grimace gets voted off “The Biggest Loser”
4) Captain Crook convinces Hamburgler to leave things as they arrrrrrrrrrre.
5) Ronald McDonald sells trouser pattern rights to MC Hammer
My “Five Females I Had a Crush On When I Was a Young Boy”
1) Shirley Temple
2) The Sun-Maid Raisins Lady
3) The Land O Lakes Butter Indian
4) Little Debbie
5) Kathy Fanning (a neighbor)
My “Five Breakfast Cereal Characters & Their Demise”
1) Cocoa Puffs Bird – schizophrenia coupled with Avian Influenza
2) Honey Smacks Frog – Crystal Meth & gambling addiction
3) King Vitamin – a little too fond of the children
4) Lucky Charms Leprechaun – Crippling Alcoholism, Bipolarism…& new blue diamonds
5) Müeslix Norwegian Lumberjack – convicted serial killer
My “Five More Breakfast Cereal Characters: Where Are They Now?”
1) Snap, Crackle & Pop – perished in some kind of explosion
2) Count Chocula – living in seclusion with life partner, Booberry
3) Frankenberry – Freshman U.S. Senator from the State of Minnesota
4) Cap’n Crunch – Outside consultant on Veterans Affairs, otherwise retired. Golfs on Wednesdays at the Army/Navy Club
5) Tony the Tiger – died and buried in a GrrrrrrrrRAAAVE!!
My “Five Anger Management Seminar Classmates”
1) Joe Wilson
2) Serena Williams
3) Kanye West
4) The Tasmanian Devil
5) Ben Stein
My “Five Politically-Incorrect Pro Football Player Nicknames from 1933-1954”
1) Yuri “The Polish Hermaphrodite” Nagurski
2) Ira “Homicidal Injun” Thorpe
3) Otto “Nazi Sympathizer” Schmidt
4) Fatty “Fatso” McFatterson
5) Leonard “All But Dissertation” Minetti
My “Five More Politically-Incorrect Pro Football Player Nicknames from 1955-1976”
1) Thelonius “Inappropriate Hugs” Jones
2) Jeremy “Light in the Cleats” Van Busby
3) Claude “Domestic Violence” Crunk
4) Stan “Fast For a White Guy” Cooper
5) Joe “Heisman Whore” Theismann
My “5 Congressional Standing O’s for Prez Speech”
1) THE PELOSISSIPPI – Sit. Spell longest state. Stand. Clap. Sit. Repeat.
2) THE G.O.PPPBBBBTTT – Reluctantly arise from seat like getting up from a beanbag chair and clap once every 4 seconds
3) THE BIDEN-HIS-TIME – “C’mon, woman, we JUST sat down!”
4) THE MCCAIN HE DO IT? – “Awright, he said my name, shucks, jeepers”
5) MICHAEL J FOX AS QUAYLE on SNL
My “Five Never-Heard-Before Sounds On The Beatles Remastered Mixes”
1) Paul complimenting George on something
2) Yoko bouncing on her studio mattress during “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” (out of time, of course)
3) Lennon snoring during “Yesterday”
4) Ringo actually yelling “I got Big Gas, pull my finger!”
5) Apple Records laughing its arse off all the way to the bank, again (bonus track)
My “Five Beefs With the Beatles Rock Band Game”
1) If I wanted to stare at stiff anime versions of the Fab Four, I’d watch the Jonas Bros.
2) There’s no hyperspace button to blow up Yokozilla and save the band
3) George’s sitar tunes are still torture
4) It’s not compatible with my Atari 5200
5) Just like The Knack, The Beatles are a passing phase, and this whole fad will be over by Christmas
My “Top 5 Wacky Packages for Products That Weren’t Around in 1973”
1) Starbutt’s Coffee
2) MacIntush Computer
3) I Can’t Believe It’s Not Chunder!
4) AT&T Smellular
5) Ukelele Hero
My “Five Most Hackneyed Phrases of Today”
1) Green & Local
2) Rapper / Producer / Daycare-Provider
3) Terrorist-friendly
4) Bring Your Own Machete
5) TIE: Dow Falling & Now Under New Management
My “Five Excuses For Not Posting a Top Five For a While”
1) My dog ate my password
2) Oak Ridge, TN doesn’t have the Internet
3) My “Top Five Ted Kennedy Annecdotes” wasn’t appropriate.
4) I’ve been glued to the 24 hour news channel to see if Ted Kennedy was murdered by his doctor
5) Facebook is sooooo 2008. See ya on Twitter!
My “Five Appropriate Exclamations to Use Around Children in Place of Profanity”
1) Brother Trucker!
2) Fauquier County!
3) Go Nats!
4) Barney Droppings!
5) Great Caesar’s Pancreas!
My “Five Favorite Things About 1984”
1) The Cliff Notes
2) Reaganometry
3) U.S. Domination of World Athletics at Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles (U-S-A! U-S-A!)
4) Soviet Union’s bus breaking down en route to L.A.
5) Drum machines & synthesizers setting my robot-dancing soul free
My “Five Ways to Pull ‘Reader’s Digest’ Out of Bankruptcy”
1) Bake Sale
2) Swimsuit Issue!
3) Thaw out the cryogenically frozen geezers who subscribed in the first place
4) Pander to a younger audience: “Seen the latest RD, yo? OMG – Check it out, all pics/no text. Totally dope, bro!”
5) Tell Capitol Hill that you produce a product Americans don’t buy. They’ll cut you a blank check
My “Five Things That Didn’t Exist When I Graduated From High School 25 Years Ago”
1) Ten digit dialing for local numbers
2) Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
3) Mennonite action figures
4) Human Harmony & Universal Tolerance for All Races & Religious Beliefs
5) Frickin’ foreigners ruining EVERYthing!
My “Five Things I’ll Lie About At My 25th High School Reunion This Weekend”
1) My age
2) My height
3) Inventing Flubber
4) How adorable your kids look in that photo and how blessed you must be
5) My gender
My “5 Announcements Max Yasgur Made After Hendrix’s Set”
1) If everyone would just pick up a little trash that’s around you that would be really groovy, kids
2) There’s a young newborn named Ryan Adams if anyone has seen his parents…
3) If you have a VW Bus with Vermont tags XLM-869, it’s parked in my living room with its lights on
4) No Fat Chicks, Yo
5) My wife Miriam gets back from out of town in an hour, and…
My “Five Pairs Who Have Never Been Seen Together”
1) Keith Urban & Martina Navratilova
2) Barbara Bush & the Quaker Oats Guy
3) Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli
4) Washington DC NBC 4 Anchor Jim Vance & Sugar Bear
5) Liza Minnelli & David Gest
My “Five Ways to Avoid Bear Attack”
1) Live in Manhattan
2) Try to role-play with the bear, and talk about nutrition
3) Stop smelling like a delicious hippie
4) Remove the Packers decal from your bumper
5) Pretend like you’re dead, and when the jaws begin to clamp down and masticate your still-vibrant limbs, try not to wince. Make sure the Park Ranger has your last Will & Testament.
My “Five Headlines Following Daniel Snyder’s Purchase of the New York Yankees for 8 Kajillion Dollars”
1) Dear God!
2) Snyder signs Roger Clemens, Reggie Jackson & Yogi Berra for undisclosed boatload amount
3) Snyder turns Old Yankees Stadium into Six Flags Park; Files Chapter 11 the next day
4) Loyal Yankees fanbase jumps off Verrazano Bridge; Snyder makes t-shirts
5) Yankees plummet to the bottom of the AL East within 72 hours; Snyder makes t-shirts
My “Five Reasons Why The Professor Never Really Tried To Get the Crew Off Of Gilligan’s Island”
1) A Passive-Aggressive thing
2) Paranoia over Patent-Pending Status of transistor radio made from two coconuts & kelp
3) Fearful the fellow castaways would discover his professorial status was bogus
4) Stateside jokes about the name “Russell Johnson” were getting kinda old
5) No mainland friends, No woman, No cry
My “Five Current News Items That Were Upstaged By The Announcement of Justin Timberlake’s New Fragrance at Macy’s”
1) Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor’s Confirmation
2) Paula Abdul Quits American Idol, Again (for anyone who didn’t take her seriously the first time)
3) White House Gates/Cambridge Cop Meeting Over Beer Made Awkward When Biden Fumbles Over Tip Calculator
4) Idaho-sized Meteor Heads Toward Planet Earth
5) Lovable Bo Obama Leaves New Fragrance in Lincoln Bedroom
My “Five Ways to Leave Your Lover” (1/10th of Paul Simon’s Remedy)
1) Get caught on Internet Porn, Bjorn
2) Buy an inflatable date, Nate
3) Hook up with the ‘sitter, Gary Glitter
4) Move in with your parents, Clarence
5) Fail to rhyme, Steve
My “Five OBX Rental Property Names That Should Have Been Given More Thought”
1) Hurricane Magnet
2) The Cabin Boy
3) Scurvy, Scurvy, Scurvy
4) Flaming Driftwood
5) The Three Strong Stilts
My “Five Only Championship Hopes for the Ailing Washington Nationals”
1) Frank Howard comes out of retirement
2) Swine Flu hits 29 other dugouts in the Major League
3) Commissioner Selig enacts Tee Ball’s longstanding “Everybody Gets a Trophy” rule
4) Team statistician adopts “fuzzy math” to avoid mathematical elimination
5) Through the magic of Disney, a young foster child prays that a Washington World Series victory will gain him a real family. Angels hear his prayers, begin to intervene, and before you know it, a place-kicking mule ushers the Nats into the playoffs. However, the young boy dies from swine flu before the start of the NLCS. Starring Danny Devito as Lucifer.
My “Five Most Provocative Merchant Names of the Outer Banks”
1) Dirty Dick’s Crab House
2) Sloppy Second’s Bike Rental
3) Well Hung Hammocks (between Mile Posts 8 & 10)
4) Orville & Wilbur’s Putt-Putt Erotica
5) Hardee’s
My “Five Anti-American Slurs I’ve Received From Abroad That Never Seemed to Hurt”
1) Liberty & Freedom Lover!
2) Soap User!
3) Perkonkrusts Party Sympathizer!
4) Single Syllable Surname Simpleton!
5) Aisle Seat Coach Passenger!
My “Five Favorite Ways to Spend Bastille Day”
1) Celebrating the French’s Independence from France
2) Singing the non-German half of Milli-Vanilli songs
3) Checking into a hotel room under Jacques Chirac & friend, because it sounds so makey-uppy
4) Scrapbooking my Cinco de Mayo page
5) Surrendering to anybody
My “Five Favourite Forgotten MONOPOLY Player Pieces”
1) The Thimble
2) The Schlitz Can
3) The Bidet
4) The Bazooka
5) The Enema Kit
My “Top Five Free Continuing Education Night Courses”
1) D.Y.O.T. 101 – Do Your Own Taxes
2) D.Y.O.T. 102 – How to Face an IRS Audit
3) Death By Origami
4) Keeping up with the 90s
5) Square Dancing for Illegal Immigrants (please have all your belongings with you at first lesson)
My “Five Least Popular Facebook Quizzes”
1) What Motor Oil Are You?
2) What Totalitarian Dictator Are You?
3) What “Blossom” Re-run Are You?
4) What Really Makes You Think Angelina Jolie or George Clooney Would Play You In A Movie That No One Wants To Make?
5) What’s Wrong With You?
My “Five Easiest to Forget State Capitals”
1) Montpelier
2) Bisquick
3) Branson
3) Colorado
4) Washington, DC
My “Five Things I Discovered When I Tried to Buy the World a Coke and Teach it How to Sing in Perfect Harmony”
1) Three Quarters of the World are tone-deaf.
2) People tend to burp instead of sing when drinking a Coke.
3) Having the World share a Coke isn’t very resourceful or sanitary.
4) A lot of countries hate each other, so rehearsals are aaaaaaawwwwwwwkwaaaard.
5) Pepsi
My “Five Favourite Jacksons”
1) Tito
2) Jermaine
3) Action
4) Hole
5) The twenty
My “Five Favourite Public Places For Using My Cell Phone”
1) Right next to you
2) The DMV/Bank/PostOffice/Grocery-Checkout line
3) In a bad cell, so I can cuss with Tourette’s-like abandon
4) Starbucks, right after I set up my office for the afternoon
5) The schoolbus, while I’m eating a sub & driving
My “Five Designers Who Have Not Been Head-butted by Kiefer Sutherland”
1) Gianni Versace
2) Gloria Vanderbilt
3) Levi Strauss
4) Giovanni Toughskins
5) Delta Burke
My “Five Rejected Book Titles by Dan Brown”
1) The DaVinci Dress Code
2) Angels & Deacons with Nunchucks
3) Grand Pope Auto: Vatican City
4) Debunking Stuff for Dummies
5) Dan Brown’s Movie Option Magnet
My “Five Alternatives to the Phrase ‘Six of One, Half Dozen of the Other'”
1) 30 Minutes, Half an Hour
2) One episode of The View, Three root canals
3) Two Taylor Hicks Tours, One VH1 “Where Are They Now?” Special
4) Three Sexual Harassment Suits, One Misunderstood Office Pervert
5) One Surrealist Art Exhibition, 7 Iridescent Minotaurs on Unicycles Strumming Banjos
My “Five Favourite Merit Badges That Helped Earn Me Eagle Scout”
1) Charisma
2) Sewing
3) Extinguishing Pets on Fire
4) Hiding Signs of Dysentery at The Jamboree Without Spoiling All The Fun
5) My Father Made My Pinewood Derby Car and We Still Got Last Place, So I Learned My Lesson (yes, this is a badge, which required an essay… which I just wrote)
My “Five Worst U.S. Presidents at Remembering Their Wedding Anniversary”
1) Grover Cleveland
2) Gerald Ford
3) James Buchanan (granted, he was single)
4) Josiah Bartlet
5) Samuel L. Jackson
My “Five Reasons That Justify Waterboarding Romulans”
1) The Treaty of Algeron is but a mere scrap of paper.
2) Their lactose intolerance rules out Milkboarding.
3) The KLINGONS do it all the time, and no one says anything to THEM!
4) The nearest Intergallactic Federation Hub is like 4 parsecs away. I mean, c’mon!
5) They’re major dicks.
My “Five Most Cost Effective Mother’s Day Gifts”
1) Compliments
2) Whimsical gazes coupled with gentle sighs
3) Knock-Knock Jokes
4) Chia Pet
5) Pabst Blue
My “Five Least Desirable Members For My Landing Crew Party”
1) Bones McCoy
2) Yeoman Purser Johnson
3) Science Officer No. 3
4) C-3Po
5) Gollum
My “Five Favourite Half Breeds and Cross Breeds”
1) ChihuaWeimer
2) Shih Tzilla
3) Average Dane
4) Cher
5) Pugweiller
My “Cinco Favorite Ways to Spend May 5th”
1) Celebrating my independence from Spanish classes
2) Recovering from my raging Cuatro de Mayo block party
3) Googling swine flu
4) Lamenting that I can’t say my witty “May the Fourth be with you” like the day before
5) Dropping a chalupah
My “Five Favourite Shortcuts Around Using The English Language”
1) Emoticons
2) The Stink Eye
3) Carpet Bombing
4) Caller I.D.
5) French
My “Five Favourite Director’s Cut Brady Bunch Episodes”
1) Jan vs. Predator
2) Death of Cousin Oliver
3) “Hey, adjoining bathroom, hubba-hubba”
4) “My Dad Slept With Joe Namath”
5) Marsh Gas! Marsh Gas! Marsh Gas!
My “Five Favourite Senses”
1) Smell
2) Taste
3) Hunch
4) Spider
5) That survey that counts all the people
My “Five Favorite FaceBook Profile Status Updates”
1) is sitting
2) is sitting on the toilet
3) is typing another FaceBook profile status update
4) is contemplating whether to throw another family member in the wood chipper or to go shopping
5) is wondering why no one accepts my Friends request
My “Top Five Rejected Reality Shows”
1) Survivor: The Musical
2) Siberian Idol
3) The Biggest Loser’s Tailor
4) Are You Older Than A Fifth Grader?
5) The Glenn Beck Program
My “Five Albums That Changed My Life”
1) Parent’s Wedding
2) Sebastian Cabot Reads Ullyses
3) Chicago XLVII
4) Play The Electric Guitar With The Ventures
5) Billy Ray Cyrus’ Greatest Hit
My “Five Favourite Ways to Reduce My Carbon Footprint”
1) Stop wearing those darn carbon shoes
2) Hop on one foot
3) Walk on my hands
4) Recycle past entries
5) Stop wearing those darn carbon shoes
My “Five Least Favorite Sports Teams”
1) The Visitors
2) Mark Cuban
3) The 1881 Worcester Ruby Legs
4) There’s No ‘I’ In…
5) The Cowboys
My “Five Most Odiferous Cheeses”
1) Limburger Fondu
2) Edam Whiz
3) Stinking Bishop
4) TIE – Velveeta Dill & Gouda Gaw-Almighty
5) Fromunda Spread …
Ironically, this is also my “Five Bands I’ve Seen Live” list
My “5 Favourite Numbers”
1. One
2. Three (moving up the charts)
3. Two (especially after coffee)
4. Three point One Four
5. Thirty-two (I was a childhood O.J. Simpson fan. Oh well)