Michael Clem

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My Airline

United:  Thank you for calling United.  Will you be flying domestic or international?

Michael Clem: No, I’m just wondering where my bag is.  I’ve already filled out a claim at the airport last night, and they told me tha…

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you say domestic or international?

Michael Clem: Neither, I’m missing a bag. I…

United:  I’m sorry.  Are you calling about a “Reservation”… “Flight Status”…”Lost or Damaged Lug…

Michael Clem: Yeah! Bingo, that’s the one.  I’m missing a bag! NOW we’re getting somewhere.  Somewhere between Montreal and Dulles, you guys…

United:  I’m sorry.  Are you calling about a “Reservation”… “Flight Sta…

Michael Clem: LUGGAGE!  LUGGAGE! LUGGAGE!  I MISSING MY L-U-G-G-A-G-E!

United:  Okay, maybe I can help you.  Please spell you last name.  It would be helpful if you say the letter by saying, for example, A as in apple.

Michael Clem: Ehem… C as in carry-on.  L as in Lost Luggage.  E as in the letter after D. M as in MY BAG.

United:  Is your last name “CLEM”?  Please say Yes or No.

Michael Clem: Yes.

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you say Yes or No?

Michael Clem: YES!  YES!  Y as in Ya gotta be kidding me.  E as in, uh, E. S as in Psycho.  GEEZE!

United:  tick..tick..tick.  Okay, Mr. Yep.  Do you have a PAWOB or Claim Number?

Michael Clem: It’s CLEM, and the number is…

United:  Please say the six alpha-numeric number by stating, for example, A as in apple, and ‘the number 2’.

Michael Clem: I got your “number 2″…

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you say the number 2?

Michael Clem: No, No, NO!  The claim number is… hold on… I got it right here…

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you say No?

Michael Clem: NO!  I mean WAIT!! It’s, uh, L as in Lord Help Us, W as in What The, uh, the number 4, the number 8, and uh Y as in, uh… uh, Yakima baby jogger & D as in duh

United:  tick…tick… tick.  Okay, maybe I can help you. Will you be flying domestic or international?

Michael Clem: X#$%&*!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! LUGGAGE!  LUGGAGE! LUGGAGE!  YOU #$&@ING LOST MY BAG!!!

United:  Okay, maybe I can help you. tick…. tick… tick.  Is this regarding a Delayed or Damaged bag?

Michael Clem: It had BETTER be just Delayed!

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you say Delayed or Damaged?

Michael Clem: DELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYED!!!

United:  tick…tick… tick.  Okay, maybe I can help you…

Michael Clem: You have GOT to be the worst voice over stooge I’ve ever spoken to…sheeze..

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you…

Michael Clem: I SAID I’M GONNA FIND YOU AND RIP OUT YOUR CIRCUIT BOARD, YOU PATHETIC TALENTLESS PIECE OF…  eh, nevermind.

United:  I’m sorry, have you been drinking? Please say Yes or No.

Michael Clem: …Whaaah?

United:  I said, I’m sorry, have you been drink…

Michael Clem: yeah, yeah, I HEARD you.  I thought you were a recording.

United:  I know.  I know.  I hear it all the time.  Even from my wife.

Well?

Michael Clem: Well, what?!

United:  Have you been drinking? Please say Yes or No.

Michael Clem: No, but I’m thinking I should start.

United:  I’ll hold.

Michael Clem: Seriously?

United:  Seriously.

United:  tick…tick…tick

Michael Clem: I’m back.

United:  Very good, Mr. Yep. Now will you be flying domestic or international?

Michael Clem: You’ve gotta be kidding me?!  Haven’t we been over this? Didn’t you do ANYthing while I went to the fridge?

United:  No, but I detected that you were upset, and thought some spirits might calm you down.

Michael Clem: Sounds like YOU’VE been drinking.

United:  Technically, I’m not allowed… which is more than I can say for our baggage handlers.

Michael Clem: A-HA!!! I knew it!  I KNEW it!!

United:  But you didn’t hear that from me, Mr. Yep.

Michael Clem: It’s CLEM, by the way, and who the hell are you?

United:  Dick.  Mr. Dick Tafone, operator 57893.

Michael Clem: I swore you were a recording!  Are you sure this isn’t Ashton Kucher or something?

United:  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.  Did you say Ass Ton Cooler?

Michael Clem: Please, nevermind… nevermind.  Where on Earth is my bag?

United:  Okay, maybe I can help you. tick…. tick… tick.  Is this regarding a Delayed or Damaged bag?

Michael Clem: Cmon, we’ve been over this, too… DELAYED!

United:  Right…tick… tick…. tick… Do you have a PAWOB or Claim Number, Mr. Cooler?

Michael Clem: CLEM!!  Look, no offense, Dick, but can you put me through to one of those live voices in India who aren’t so…. so…. so….

United:  So what?

Michael Clem: I dunno…. so automated and flat-lining.  No offense.

United:  Now that was just hurtful.

Michael Clem: Please, Dick, don’t take it that way!  It’s just that, well, we’re not getting anywhere…. and….

United:  tick…tick…tick

Michael Clem: …and I’m not entirely convinced you’re NOT a recording with some xtra programming smarts, with today’s technology & all… ya know?

United:  And I’m not entirely convinced I give a flying #$&* about your bag.

Michael Clem:   **CLICK**

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