United: Thank you for calling United. Will you be flying domestic or international?
Michael Clem: No, I’m just wondering where my bag is. I’ve already filled out a claim at the airport last night, and they told me tha…
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you say domestic or international?
Michael Clem: Neither, I’m missing a bag. I…
United: I’m sorry. Are you calling about a “Reservation”… “Flight Status”…”Lost or Damaged Lug…
Michael Clem: Yeah! Bingo, that’s the one. I’m missing a bag! NOW we’re getting somewhere. Somewhere between Montreal and Dulles, you guys…
United: I’m sorry. Are you calling about a “Reservation”… “Flight Sta…
Michael Clem: LUGGAGE! LUGGAGE! LUGGAGE! I MISSING MY L-U-G-G-A-G-E!
United: Okay, maybe I can help you. Please spell you last name. It would be helpful if you say the letter by saying, for example, A as in apple.
Michael Clem: Ehem… C as in carry-on. L as in Lost Luggage. E as in the letter after D. M as in MY BAG.
United: Is your last name “CLEM”? Please say Yes or No.
Michael Clem: Yes.
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you say Yes or No?
Michael Clem: YES! YES! Y as in Ya gotta be kidding me. E as in, uh, E. S as in Psycho. GEEZE!
United: tick..tick..tick. Okay, Mr. Yep. Do you have a PAWOB or Claim Number?
Michael Clem: It’s CLEM, and the number is…
United: Please say the six alpha-numeric number by stating, for example, A as in apple, and ‘the number 2’.
Michael Clem: I got your “number 2″…
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you say the number 2?
Michael Clem: No, No, NO! The claim number is… hold on… I got it right here…
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you say No?
Michael Clem: NO! I mean WAIT!! It’s, uh, L as in Lord Help Us, W as in What The, uh, the number 4, the number 8, and uh Y as in, uh… uh, Yakima baby jogger & D as in duh
United: tick…tick… tick. Okay, maybe I can help you. Will you be flying domestic or international?
Michael Clem: X#$%&*!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! LUGGAGE! LUGGAGE! LUGGAGE! YOU #$&@ING LOST MY BAG!!!
United: Okay, maybe I can help you. tick…. tick… tick. Is this regarding a Delayed or Damaged bag?
Michael Clem: It had BETTER be just Delayed!
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you say Delayed or Damaged?
Michael Clem: DELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYED!!!
United: tick…tick… tick. Okay, maybe I can help you…
Michael Clem: You have GOT to be the worst voice over stooge I’ve ever spoken to…sheeze..
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you…
Michael Clem: I SAID I’M GONNA FIND YOU AND RIP OUT YOUR CIRCUIT BOARD, YOU PATHETIC TALENTLESS PIECE OF… eh, nevermind.
United: I’m sorry, have you been drinking? Please say Yes or No.
Michael Clem: …Whaaah?
United: I said, I’m sorry, have you been drink…
Michael Clem: yeah, yeah, I HEARD you. I thought you were a recording.
United: I know. I know. I hear it all the time. Even from my wife.
Well?
Michael Clem: Well, what?!
United: Have you been drinking? Please say Yes or No.
Michael Clem: No, but I’m thinking I should start.
United: I’ll hold.
Michael Clem: Seriously?
United: Seriously.
United: tick…tick…tick
Michael Clem: I’m back.
United: Very good, Mr. Yep. Now will you be flying domestic or international?
Michael Clem: You’ve gotta be kidding me?! Haven’t we been over this? Didn’t you do ANYthing while I went to the fridge?
United: No, but I detected that you were upset, and thought some spirits might calm you down.
Michael Clem: Sounds like YOU’VE been drinking.
United: Technically, I’m not allowed… which is more than I can say for our baggage handlers.
Michael Clem: A-HA!!! I knew it! I KNEW it!!
United: But you didn’t hear that from me, Mr. Yep.
Michael Clem: It’s CLEM, by the way, and who the hell are you?
United: Dick. Mr. Dick Tafone, operator 57893.
Michael Clem: I swore you were a recording! Are you sure this isn’t Ashton Kucher or something?
United: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Did you say Ass Ton Cooler?
Michael Clem: Please, nevermind… nevermind. Where on Earth is my bag?
United: Okay, maybe I can help you. tick…. tick… tick. Is this regarding a Delayed or Damaged bag?
Michael Clem: Cmon, we’ve been over this, too… DELAYED!
United: Right…tick… tick…. tick… Do you have a PAWOB or Claim Number, Mr. Cooler?
Michael Clem: CLEM!! Look, no offense, Dick, but can you put me through to one of those live voices in India who aren’t so…. so…. so….
United: So what?
Michael Clem: I dunno…. so automated and flat-lining. No offense.
United: Now that was just hurtful.
Michael Clem: Please, Dick, don’t take it that way! It’s just that, well, we’re not getting anywhere…. and….
United: tick…tick…tick
Michael Clem: …and I’m not entirely convinced you’re NOT a recording with some xtra programming smarts, with today’s technology & all… ya know?
United: And I’m not entirely convinced I give a flying #$&* about your bag.
Michael Clem: **CLICK**